Hey, mama.

I wrote this some time ago, as usual, like many of my other pieces – I was unable to post at the time.

The last few weeks have been a lot.

A whole contrast of feeling overwhelmed and constantly tired, to super proud of myself and how I have managed.

Speaking to professionals, meeting new people, taking courses, and being immersed in my personal situation has allowed me to acknowledge how much I am doing daily and how much more support I actually need. It is a lot.

I have never hidden how much I need to get parenting right and I know for sure that this is why I have been blessed with the children I have. The ironic thing Is for the majority of the time it doesn’t feel like a blessing. It feels like hard work, back to back challenges and a constant battle of external forces and internal feeling and emotion.

I thank God for my development and evolution as a woman and mother. My outward confidence has gone from strength to strength although I am just as hard and self-critical of myself and achievements than ever before.

This journey started way back in 2014, when I was brave enough to remove my eldest out of mainstream, at the time I knew she wasn’t being provided with what she needed and trying to get support seemed almost impossible, then again in 2015 when my second started showing signs of just not fitting into the conventional system I again reached out for help, again to much avail. Let’s fast forward to 2019 when finally, I manage to get a disorder diagnosis for my eldest, no specific name though, just the characteristics. I knew there was more though, but how do you get the ‘experts’ to listen, I don’t know their jargon, my children do not “act up” in front of them. I get repeatedly fobbed off, patronised, and judged by the exact system that should be supporting me, and it hurts, its tiring and frustrating. Its lonely, its isolating and disempowering, and all this feeds back into our home and the way things are managed and handled.

The confidence, oh the confidence I search for to go up against the system what seems like over and over and over and over again. A system I’ve felt ignored by my whole life, a system I feel that has failed me repeatedly without apology or remorse. A system that will do what it needs to do for my children – a promise that I have made to myself for them.

So many years I put things down to what I was going through mentally, emotionally physically. What had they witnessed me go through? Put up with? Is this why they don’t listen? Is this why they don’t behave? Don’t act ‘normal’ – Normal, what does that even mean? Had it forced down my throat my entire life yet here is me, not ever feeling like I fit anywhere anyway… I mean, maybe they get their abnormalities from me?

Then why don’t I understand them then? Am I not supposed to? I am their mother afterall, I carried them for 9 months, bonded, protected and nurtured them, so why does so much not make sense?

Here’s the thing though, I am now actively and openly acknowledging that I am doing all that I can, most of the time more than I can actually manage (alone), yet still it’s just not enough…

I need to work to provide, I cannot work where my family’s needs and schedule do not come first… catch 22 much? So many of us in similar situations though…

This piece resembles what my life feels like for the most part. A big jumble of confusion and back and forth. Or is that how its supposed to be when you are faced with the tussle and conflicts of the heart?

Here is me, still trying to work it out…

What are your experiences of being a mother, or father? What pressures do you put on yourself? Do you conform to your family requirements and priorities? or those society have laid out? What achievements can you acknowledge thus far in the journey, no matter how small?

Stay blessed

Dx